Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class