As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
You Might Also Like
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
dril cadence
no cat here
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Sounds like a bargain
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
