Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!