As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
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I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!