As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
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I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
The chart results are in…
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.