As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
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My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Breaking news:
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?