As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
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forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?