My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
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I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
hmm conte-me mais
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
If a snake ate a cake
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.