“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
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Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal