“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
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My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I can’t wait!
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!