“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.