“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
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holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.