Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

My kitchen overserved me.

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

😾

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

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