@daemonic3

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

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@seupo

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

@Extramediumcom1

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

@MommaUnfiltered

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

@Cheeseboy22

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

@craiguito

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

@BillFienberg

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

@dumbbeezie

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

@dimplesticks

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

@Babasnookie

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.