As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
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If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.