As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

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omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME


Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.


If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.


It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.


First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming


Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.


I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair


Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.



5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no


Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.