As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
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The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish