The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
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I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Elephant: oh no
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Twilight and Hostess are over. It’s a sad day for fat girls.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*