As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
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“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE