As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.


I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.


it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos


Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no


I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date


Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out


Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.


*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*