“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
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my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”