Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

I hope this email punches you square in the face

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

No way!

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

‘I know a black person’

– White people

I feel attacked.

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport