@thepunningman

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

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@david8hughes

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

@upsidedowntrash

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

@hellohappy_time

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

@Scott_A_Gilmore

They’re just making up new weather with this ‘thunder snow’ shit. Next we’ll have ‘earthquake rain’ or ‘sunny darkness’ or some shit.

@HeyZeus666

My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.

@Marlebean

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

@NewDadNotes

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

@nealbrennan

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

@DrakeGatsby

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

@DirtMcTurd

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up