“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
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Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
They’re just making up new weather with this ‘thunder snow’ shit. Next we’ll have ‘earthquake rain’ or ‘sunny darkness’ or some shit.
My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up