“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
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Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.