as cold as it is i may take up that offer for a ride in that windowless van
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What do you hear?
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Important
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open