as cold as it is i may take up that offer for a ride in that windowless van
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
*launders Kohls cash*
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.