As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft