Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.