As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
S M O L
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food