@iamk1ts

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

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@WilliamAder

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

@Parkerlawyer

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

@KKAlThani

*Knocks on door*
Hey open up. You didn’t reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?

@dreamthievin

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

@TedInModeration

Her: Go pound sand!

Me: * Seductively looks at sand

Sand: I have a boyfriend

@Mom_Overboard

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

@3sunzzz

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

@Your_Boy_Dylan

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP