As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope