the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
*Knocks on door*
Hey open up. You didn’t reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Her: Go pound sand!
Me: * Seductively looks at sand
Sand: I have a boyfriend
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP