Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

HERE’S MARKY

Taking phone security to the next level.