Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

Okay this one takes it home

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face