As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Beware…..
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.