As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
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Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
Nigella has gone too far this time.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.