As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
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Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk