As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
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I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Cause of death: Zumba
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
me refusing to leave twitter
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM