As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
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Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.