Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

no way 😭

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Breaking news:

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.