As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
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I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
me before I type out affect or effect
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’