As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
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I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool