Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

it be like that

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down