“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
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Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?