“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
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Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that