“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
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My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*