Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.