As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
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Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
every. time.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.