*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
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Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“HELP WITH CAT”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
sometimes i miss this memes
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Sounds like a bargain
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile