As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
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cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Did I do this right
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.