Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This will never not be funny to me.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

10/10 no notes

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight