Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?