Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward