Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.