As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
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If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*