As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
life lately
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you