As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Wake me when AI does housework
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway