Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

adding to the discourse

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”