As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”