“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
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Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Made something I’m not proud of
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.