As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well…except mom was ticketed for littering

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I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.


Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.


I’m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer’s


This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.


I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.


Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated


Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”


I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.