I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well…except mom was ticketed for littering
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Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
I’m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer’s
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.