As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
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I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Just as the prophecy foretold
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills