As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
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as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Social Media and Real life
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.