Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.