Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

some cats are just doing for fun!

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

ㅤ

I think I’ll stand

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

the last thing a carrot sees

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.