Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby