As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
You Might Also Like
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too