As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
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I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot