As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
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“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
At ease
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.