As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
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There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
A new level of troll.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
*seductively peels off lederhosen