As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
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Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.