As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
You can’t rush stupid.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!