As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
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cats when you pet them too long:
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)