Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests