Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

He has no idea 🤡

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]