As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
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[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Couple goals
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
looks legit
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.