As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
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Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
#Caturday
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”