As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting