As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
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If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.