[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
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If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
This will teach them to underestimate me
