As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
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My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
Awwwww shit.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.