*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
